Tuesday, November 12, 2013
So yesterday I took a half day and spent some time with my little angels. I was only out of the room for a few minutes while I changed into my yoga attire... but that's all it took. I came out of my room to find Beau with FIVE unwrapped dum-dums stuffed in his face, Conner running in circles yelling like he was possessed... and where you ask was Tillie? Oh, she was in the hall bathroom, fishing in the toilet with her brother's tooth brush. Joy.
Tonight I came home, with a whole bag full of good intentions. I made the kids cracker pizzas, because I ROCK, they ate dinner before 7pm... and they loved it. You know what though, all that time spent having my shit together was exhausting. So, I hid for a few minutes in my bedroom... and then I heard yelling. Conner was yelling that Tillie was getting yogurt everywhere, which didn't make sense, because I hadn't given the children any yogurt. Which was kind of a horrible realization, because it meant they had been climbing in the fridge and OH MY GOD the only yogurt we had was in a half gallon jug!!!
I ran into the living screaming nonsense and burst upon Tillie two fists deep in a bucket-o-yogurt slammin' her face full of goo like the little lactose junkie she is. As I continue to scream Nic runs out, grabs her and sets her with clothes on in the tub... then runs out the door because his Dad was here to pick him up and go out. So now alone, and probably experiencing one the top ten most intense freak outs of my life, I strip Tillie and start some water going in the tub. I let her just splash in the stream while I run into the living room and mop yogurt out of the carpet... and off the couch... and out of the entertainment center... and off some clean laundry... like holy shit she touched everything she possibly could before she got caught.
I finally get most of it up, and run back to the bathroom to give Tillers a good rinse... when she starts to make the poop face. So I begin screaming... but then I notice something... swirling amid the bath toys are some brown chunks. I am too late, she has already pooped in the tub... and I've probably already touched it. I grab a cup and begin scooping poo bits out from the toys, praying she doesn't clog the drain. I look down and realize that she had already begun scooping poop out of the tub herself, actually I'm standing in it.
So there you go... I love the heck out of those kids, but damn, they make going to work feel like a vacation... and if work feels like a vacation I can't even imagine how awesome a vacation would be.
Friday, November 1, 2013
This Halloween 2013 was just one of those nights. I picked the kiddos up early from daycare so we could get into some costumes, and get good pictures while it was still daylight. I imagined a perfect evening of sweet, polite, adorable children... and candy... possibly hugs even. Instead I brought home three monsters, already picking up a sugar buzz, and out of their minds with excitement. I had walked into, the perfect storm.
After spending an hour chasing the boys while Tillie held my leg and cried, I somehow had everyone in costumes. Conner was taking the chaotic evening as the perfect time to repeat everything I said. Beau was taking everything I said as a personal insult to himself and softly whimpering over his shoes. Tillie, well she had found a tootsie roll and was chewing and drooling chocolate sludge all over herself... and my leg which she was still clinging to.
I think maybe that was the point my mind gave out. I was yelling at the kids to pull it together, we were going out on the porch to take some damn pictures!! Everyone, get outside and smile DAMMIT!!! Actually this is when Conner stopped being a copy cat, once Mom starts swearing... well, he knows not to repeat those words.
Apparently once I released the wild things back into nature, they were much happier. Our Halloween pictures turned out really well. I posted it on Facebook... so everyone could see my adorable well behaved children... gotta keep up the front ya know.
We moved on to trick or treating in Nic's sister's neighborhood...
Tillie fell asleep before we got to the first house, so we were hauling little princess in the stroller and having her brother's beg for extra candy. Nic and I argued angrily in front of his parents over which direction to go once we got going... so awkward. Turned into another "it's Halloween DAMMIT can we please have FUN" moment... delightful.
We decided to head back to our neighborhood...
Tillie woke up, jonesin' for more candy. Beau fell asleep holding his bag of candy tight up to his chest. We decided to do a lap in our neighborhood, I'm hauling Beau in the stroller. Conner is being cute and behaved... a true delight... really repping the family well to the rest of the street. Tillie has become an adorable sugar fueled monster. She won't sit in any stroller, she's running up to houses, hands out, demanding candy... then shoving the candy into her mouth and running on to the next house. She ain't got time for no trick or treat bag, no wrappers, no kindly words of "Peaseeee". I'm chasing behind her, fishing chewed up candy wads out of her mouth, trying to unwrap as fast as I can... she's covered in sticky... I'm covered in sticky. At some point I stop trying to wide and clean, I just embrace the sticky as a permanent state... it's who I am now, that sticky lady with the crazy child.
Finally, thank sweet lord, it's over!! I pick up Tillie, actually she sticks to me like a fly to flypaper, and book my ass home. I'm done... over and done. Oh wait, except for the part where we divide up the candy, and cry over the candy, and put the candy away because we're not eating it all tonight. I explained to the children, I put the candy up high so the candy elves don't steal any, but if they see some missing that's what happened... it was elves. This damn house is infested.
So there you have it, that is Halloween, I feel like I was hit by a train. I feel hungover... and I barely even got to finish a single hard cider, despite the fact I'm pretty sure I earned a couple shots of Tequila. Oh, and as I'm up at the butt crack of dawn typing this... I remember... I was supposed to buy coffee yesterday.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Anyway, here we are at the end of October, Halloween is today and of course I bet you are all wondering about Tillie’s amazing costume choices this year. Let me tell you, Tillie has worn a different costume to every party we’ve gone, and her cuteness is at levels so high they’re almost lethal. Fair warning, if you have a heart condition best you sit that candy on the porch and hide inside because tiny little Princess Tillie ain’t messin’ around.
Last week we went to a friend’s Halloween party and I was able to put one of our tutu outfits to good use. She was a tiny ballerina… it’s official chubby ballerinas are my new favorite… little dancers with cute little rolls of chub.
Here she is, sitting with daddy, eating a treat… maybe using him as a napkin on occasion. When you’re daddy’s number one girl he’s happy to be your napkin, princess wipes where ever she wills.
Our last and most heart poppingly adorable outfit is…. A pumpkin. I mean seriously, SERIOUSLY, that is one gourd so cute I think Halloween needs to be year round. To top it off she carries her little candy bucket and holds it up saying “bees, bees, BBEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!” Obviously that means please in Tillie land, and it wouldn’t be polite to take candy from strangers without both shoving a bucket into their face and screaming gibberish.
I'll have an update about our night of trick or treating tomorrow... maybe... we'll see if I've recovered.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
2. They’re really good guard cats
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
If there’s one thing you probably don’t know about me, it’s this… I will without a doubt always and eventually succumb to peer pressure. Actually there doesn’t even have to be pressure involved, just a casual mention works too. If enough people casually mention something, well damn it I will buy a Groupon and I will try it out. This is how, despite the warnings of my Mother-in-law, I ended up in a hot yoga class last night.
I don’t know if you’ve ever been to hot yoga, or just plain old regular temperature yoga, but let me tell you… it ain’t easy. Since I have a happy trigger finger when it comes to Groupon deals, I’m sitting on a 5 class package and last night I cashed in class number one. I got to the studio early and the instructor walked me through a list of rules, no water until after the 4th posture, if you have an emergency its ok to leave, no cell phones in the studio and so on. Actually this kind of confused me a little, I mean how do you know if there’s an emergency if you don’t have your cell phone?
I went into the yoga studio shook my mat out and looked around at the other yoga people. Of course I was sitting next to the tiniest, bendiest, bikini clad yoga chic ever, the class hadn’t even started and she was already doing back bends down the back wall. Not to be outdone I fell into a pose that is my personal favorite, corpse pose. The heat was intense, like so intense I had a new found respect for Frodo, it must have been damn oppressive up there on Mount Doom. Then the class started.
It took me about 15 minutes to realize what kind of emergency could make you leave the room, the kind of emergency you don’t get a cell phone call for. Like I’m going to vomit, maybe poop myself, and I’m pretty sure my heart is exploding… holy shit I’m having heat induced hallucinations kind of emergencies. Yeah, it was that hot and that awful. I think the worst part is that there is no clock, you have no sense of time, no understanding of how close you are to the end. I started thinking about all the things I had taken for granted in my life, like fresh air, refrigeration, breezes… ice cubes. I drank some water, I thought about volcanoes, how horrible it would be if one erupted right now and I never felt cool air again. We did a pose where I tucked my chin up to my knees, and the sushi I had for lunch made a spontaneous appearance in my mouth. I choked back the vomit and kept going.
I worked and worked, and thought about all the people outside the studio, I thought of the future. I thought, holy shit, what if global warming makes the whole planet this hot all the time and every day is like doing hot yoga for the rest of our lives. That was kind of the point I started crying, I was so sweaty I don’t think you could see the tears, but I’m pretty sure everyone could hear me sobbing. Yeah, hot yoga pretzel lady had front row seats to my whole freak show. After crying for 10-15 minutes the class was finally over, the instructor brought us cold wet towels, I cried for a few more minutes, then rolled up my sweat soaked mat and made my way out.
I will tell you this, I am so glad I didn’t buy the 10 class package. I think there is a possibility I will go back, because I’m cheap and the classes are non-transferable. I now I will not be eating sushi for lunch the day of a class ever again.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
So this week I decided to suck it up and clean out the wagon. Actually the final push came when I was leaving work on a hot day. As I slowly rolled up to the stoplight outside work, a can of Dr Pepper tapped the back hatch of my car and exploded. A soft, warm, mist of fizzy soda settled over my head and I realized at that moment I had hit my rock bottom, and it was time to turn things around.
So I went home and pulled out handfuls of trash, toys and fossilized chicken nuggets from the floorboards. I found missing action figures, close to a trillion sippy cups, and good lord did I find a lot of shoes. Once I reached the final level of muck I discovered the blackened remains of a banana and... a smell. A horrible, noxious, unshakable stench. Somehow the layers of toys, clothes, shoes, sippies, and other junk was acting as a filter for the evil smell, and now there is nothing to contain it. The car is clean but any drive spent sitting in that smell leaves you feeling slightly unwashed.
I'm working on a plan to get rid of the smell, it's a fool proof plan, all I need to do is convince Nic to let me buy a new car.