Tuesday, May 12, 2015

the only pets we have are flushable

You may remember an earlier post about the possibility of a family pet, we really wanted a dog but would settle for a cheetah. Unfortunately for everyone involved Conner seems to be extremely allergic to dogs, and cats, and pretty much anything with fur that licks itself. Which leaves us with only a couple options, and cute and cuddly isn’t one of them.

This is where I  introduce you to our family pets, a little late actually as this is a posthumous introduction for all of them actually. Beau my danger baby received three gold fish for Christmas and a fishy habitat to go with them. He quickly named them Nemo, Goldie, and Orangey. His brother just as quickly renamed the last two Stinky and Doodoo. His mother accidentally killed all of them within the first 24 hours, so we are currently working with body doubles. That's right, literally the day after Christmas and we were already sneaking in replacements. With an air of I-told-you-so that was probably inherited from me Conner told us " you guys thought those fish were dead, but I knew all along they were just sleeping."

Now lets fast forward a couple weeks, Stinky, Doodoo, and Nemo have now funked up the tank to a shade of green so thick I could have bottled it and started hawking my own brand of green smoothies. So we introduce a new friend to the tank, a Plako named Wowo. Who is not so great at keeping the tank clean but super good at playing dead. So good in fact he gets flushed, but springs back to life in the middle of our three second long funeral. He woke up just in time to be sucked out the toilet hole, sent on his way to the "ocean" with the horrified screams of three traumatized children following behind.

In remembrance of Wowo we adopt a new Plako, Wowo Jr. I have now learned they are not the most active fish, and we have not accidentally flushed our new friend. However things aren't going to well for Stinky and Doodoo, who have actually at this point been renamed again and Conner insists we all refer to them as Twindo and Twindo Jr. Both of whom were found stuck to the bottom of the filter this week, not sleeping but actually super dead. I gave the kids the option of a small burial plot in the back yard or quick burial at sea via the porcelain portal to fish heaven. They chose the water option, and like any grieving fish owner would do, Conner performed a quick courtesy flush to make sure his beloved friends had some clean water to make their exit in. The boys sobbed quietly over the toilet together, Conner assured Beau that every time they went to the beach they would remember Twindo and Twindo Jr.

So, it seems we may be in for an interesting summer if every trip to the beach comes with a memorial for our flushed friends. We have two fish left in the tank, however that plays out. Could be by next week the marbles and fake ferns are the only pets left. All I know is, it's definitely a good thing Nic never bought us that Cheetah we begged for.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

When Shit Hits the Fan: A Tale of Friendship

Well, if you want to know what is new in our house these last couple of weeks I would have to say it is Tillie's potty training routine. Now that she has turned two I can finally see the light at the end of the diaper tunnel, my last baby is almost potty trained! I bought her some Sophia the First undies from Target and ever since then it has been game on, I'm happy to report that she manages not to pee on "Phia" like 75% of the time. The other 25% of her underwear clad days she spends peeing in random locations... and occasionally creating horrifying poop predicaments (tales I will regale you with in a few minutes). For now let me drop a little urine wisdom bomb on y'all,

Sometimes we spend so much time searching for someone else's pee, when all you really had to do from the beginning was slow down and look at your feet... you've been standing in it all along.

I'll just let you absorb that for a minute before I go on.....

Now I will tell you a tale of friendship. I'll start it off with a quick warning, never brag about your child's amazing potty training abilities, I promise you the second you say "My little protege has basically potty trained herself" you have put a curse on your head. You will not know the time or date but poop is coming for you, and that poop will not make it into the toilet, free range feces are headed your way.

This literally just happened to me the other day when we were entertaining guests. Adam and Sarah, two parents we met through soccer a few seasons ago, came over to hang out. Thankfully they're awesome and have two kids of their own so they listened to my potty training braggery and still helped me clean up more than a few messes. Then things took a turn for the awful.

Tillie took herself to the bathroom, alone, and was discovered staring into a toilet full of poop. Without even blinking Sarah helped her wipe up her butt and congratulated her on making it to the potty, I walked in a minute later, almost dying from the horrifying smell. Sarah explained that Tillie must have pooped on her own, and helped Tillie pull up her undies... when suddenly we both noticed poop smeared all over Tillie's legs and falling out of the underoos. Purely out of shock and dismay Sarah and I simultaneously start screaming

"Oh My GAAWWWDDDD, OHHH SHIT!!!!"

Tillie had not made it to the toilet, her pants were actually filled to the brim with steaming fresh poo nuggets, and to top it off she was holding a giant HANDFUL of poop as well.  A handful of poop that in a panicked response to our screaming she began shaking all over the place until the brown glob finally flew out of her hand and landed right next to Sarah's foot. Scrambling like wild animals, and cursing like sailors, together we hoisted Tillie into the bathtub to begin the decontamination process... poo was everywhere, EVERYWHERE I tell you. Poo flinging toddlers are seriously like the worst.

So there you have it, a cautionary tale yet a story of friendship as well. I don't think there's any going back from this, once you've done time in the trenches together, scooping poop, tossing toddlers, and sniffing each other to make sure you're both "clean", long term friendship is kind of inevitable.
Tillie: "Shhhh Beau, Beau. I wuv you, no cry.. ok"




Sunday, May 18, 2014

Tillie Boo Boo

So... while we were out in Colorado a few weeks ago Tillie had her second birthday and we were very, very lucky to get to celebrate with our in town family. One of the amazing presents Tillie received was this adorable flamingo dress from my wonderful Aunt Kathi. Now this dress is pretty much to die for, over the top, tutu fabulous... I mean this dress is DA BOMB!!! I've posted a picture below for your verification,


So now that you've seen the awesomeness that is this flamingo dress, I have a confession to make. After seeing Tillie in this dress I felt like I couldn't just keep her undeniable cuteness all to myself anymore... and I signed her up for a fashion show next month. It's a local vendor that is hosting the show to display her clothes and accessories all I have to provide are flip flops... which is the only shoe Tillie doesn't have so I'm gonna get to go shooooping!!!

Alright, seriously though, I'm trying to contain my excitement... and also teach Tillie some tricks... you know there ain't nothin' cuter than small well trained children (slight sarcasm here). Anyway, we've been working all weekend on a little routine that goes like this,

walk down the runway... twirl... throw her arms out and yell "Ta-Da!!"... then blow a kiss.

Totally beyond adorable, and she totally pulls it off about 50% of the time. So based on those statistics I see this fashion show going one of two ways:

1. She does her routine and the crowd goes crazy, chanting "Tillie! Tillie! Tillie!!!" Nickelodeon and Disney get into a heated bidding war over the rights to a show about her cuteness.... we turn them down of course (we're not those kind of people who are going to sell their kid's childhood to the highest bidder ppsssh) Tillie grows up "small town famous" and we all live happily ever after

2. Tillie walks to the end of the runway, twirls violently several times before stumbling to a stop and yelling "TA DAAAAAA!!!!" unfortunately all those twirls give her the balance of a soccer mom three margaritas in (that's me) and she falls sideways off the stage. Luckily she is nothing if not durable and  she hops back up to gruffly yell "KISSIESSSS!!! KISSIESSSS!!" while smacking herself in the mouth and blowing spit everywhere.

I have to say either way I'll be super proud... and I'll write about it here.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

The Beach Revisited

Anyone out there who is still reading the occasional post I put out on this blog may remember my post from last summer about the beach. Last summer beach visits were rough, not so much for the kids, but for the parents lugging them around it was a misery. Set aside the fact that three small, hot, sweaty children are hard to handle you throw in sand and I thought I would lose my mind.

Well this year everyone is a little older, weather is not at it's hottest, and after a long winter sand seems a small price to pay for some SUNSHINE!! So for Mother's Day I asked to go to the beach, and we packed towels and a cooler (and some margaritas for me) and we met up with Nic's family.

Let me tell you what, that looooong winter made a difference a big, big difference. For whatever reason (maybe it was the margaritas) this year the beach was awesome! The boys were big enough to play down in the water without having their hand held for every single second. Tillie was totally terrified of the water so she spent her time happily making sand castles and not actively trying to drown. That was a huge plus!


The best part was that the sand didn't bother me so much. I mean I'm not trying to set out a picnic at the beach and eat in a whole bed of sand or anything but as far as kicking back and enjoying some beverages while not stressing my sand covered legs... well that I can handle. I even sat with my butt in the sand... not in a chair... my WHOLE BUTT in the sand!!


It was a great day. Makes me wonder what else we should retry with the kids.

Having three little kids around has been the happiest thing in my life but it also sucked joy out of a lot the things that I used to like doing. Which is fine, it's a phase it's just a part of life that you get through, I wouldn't trade my crew for a million beaches. It is nice every year to see more things open up for us though, I feel like we're taking back our lives a little and all the fun stuff we get to enjoy the kids get to come along too. So that leaves me feelin' good... it's gonna be a good year :)

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Loose Teeth

This week marked a pretty important milestone for Conner, after weeks of wiggling and waiting his very first loose tooth came out while he was eating a bowl of cereal. Now let me tell you, for a five year old loose teeth bring with them an overwhelming sense of pride and losing that tooth was an accomplishment like no other.

Because I'm a mom of course I had to update friends, family, and Facebook acquaintances immediately, there are pictures and of course there is a YouTube video. There were Tooth Fairy preparations to make and single dollar bills to acquire, Conner's dreams had come true... he was now a young man with an income.

When you're a kid losing teeth there is nothing but excitement involved, when you're a parent suddenly you are met with an unanswerable question. What the hell do parents do with baby teeth? I used to think that parents who packed away the first teeth of their offspring like tiny white treasures were weirdos. I imagined cleaning out someone's house and finding a bag filled with tiny human teeth and puked a little in my mouth, seriously it's the stuff of nightmares.

Then suddenly I was forced to think about what I would do with this tooth and a part of me just couldn't get rid of it. I mean I made that tooth, it took me nine months and it sat in his round little head for 5 1/2 years, smiling in all our family photos, eating my cooking (which has progressively gotten MUCH better over 5 years). I stayed up late holding that kid while he screamed, because when that tooth came in it was BITCH and he was miserable. He bit me with that tooth when he was two and I bit him back and felt so guilty and then we were friends and neither of us ever bit anyone ever again.

When he first grew that tooth his god father Ben was still alive, and I'm sad he isn't here to watch him lose these teeth because my Conner is amazing and they would have loved each other so much. I've had two more babies and Conner has just kept growing. Sometimes I feel like somewhere between morning sickness and colicky newborns I missed some little parts of his life and it makes those growing up milestones all the more bittersweet.

So I guess when it comes down to it I wasn't ready for him to lose that tooth and I wasn't prepared to get rid of it once it was out. In all truthfulness, if I'm speaking from the top of my experience and the bottom of my heart, I will never be ready to let go. Time can be cruel and relentless but, it is first and foremost constant and I will most likely be shocked each and every time I am reminded of it's passing. That's just who I am, a non-letter-goer.

So now you're probably wondering where I hide the tiny human teeth at my house. Well, the answer to that is I don't, Conner's tooth was left in a tiny glass of water, which was later placed next to the sink by my husband, and unknowingly dumped down the sink by yours truly as I did dishes. Proving once again that procrastination can solve all problems.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

the flu has landed...

Hey Y'all,

I am blogging here today from the land of the influenza infected, just in case you're not familiar, allow me to paint a picture for you. We woke up early Thursday morning to the sound of an unhappy Tillie, groggily responding to her angry cries, we found that she was not just unhappy she was also covered in vomit. Now, not that I'm bragging but, 5 1/2 years into parenthood we got this barf thang down! The trick is to contain, contain, contain... so we wrapped her up in the her cute little puke covered bed things and unwrapped the whole vomit bomb in the bathtub. We had one toddler down and while the other two kiddos were still sleeping peacefully, I could see the possibility of more stomach chunks in our future.

Now that I'm working there's always a decision to be made when a kid shows signs of disease. Should I take off form work? Can Nic stay home? Are some of the kids healthy enough to still go to the sitter? I opted to work from home and hastily called the daycare, begging, pleading... ok, maybe that's a little dramatic. The two puke free kids were good to go, for about 6 hours, than I got the call... Beau had a fever of 102. 

So that's basically how it began, now we're four days into this whole flu thing, and the kids are getting some of their energy back... but not any kind of cheerful energy... more like deviant, snot-filled defiance. Tillie is a curly haired terror, she has the voice of an 80 year old lounge singer, and angrily demands "More LET IT GO!!!". I've watched Frozen maybe ten times... maybe 40 I don't know I've lost count. When Tillie's sleeping the boys get a Pokemon marathon going... that was fine until they only wanted to watch it in Spanish, the same episode over and over again... in Spanish. My sanity is barely hangin' on.

I'm hoping a recovery is in sight... or margaritas... 

Pitiful sick child Tillie
He's still pretty cute even when he's a pukester

Some BFFs right here!

We got that sweet vomit bucket from the urgent care, stoked that it matches my decor

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Antler Canvas DIY


At my new job I work on a floor that has some serious, serious cubicle decor going on. No kidding, you should see the way my coworkers decorate, they're AMAZING. I joke that they should sell tickets to let the other floors in the building come through for a tour, like a Cube-a-Rama type event. So after spending a few months with my new team I've been working on my own cubicle decor, because nothing motivates me to work like being surrounded by sparkley and spangley do dahs!

I saw some antlers on pinterest that were painted gold and started to fall in love with the idea. So I started looking on Craigslist for some antlers I could decorate, but most of them came with deer pieces still attached sooooo.... that didn't work out. Then I had an idea to draw my own gold antlers on a canvas and decorate them and voila!

So here's a quick sorta-tutorial to show anyone interested how to make the same thing!

Michael's had a sale on canvases and bought a bunch in various sizes, along with some silk flowers, Martha Stewart gold craft paint, and 1 inch foam paint brushes. 

To start I drew the shape of an antler on cardboard and cut it out to use as a stencil (you can see the "antler" in the picture below)


Next, I traced the antler onto a blank canvas and started filling in the lines with Marth Stewart gold craft paint. 


I let them dry for a little while and then pulled out my glue gun and some silk flowers to add a final touch to the canvas. 


I broke off the flowers from the wire stems and cut the plastic as close to the petals as possible, and glued them to the antlers. 

and.

ba bam! Some awesome art!