It is really hard to get out of the house with three kids, I dread shopping days and put off getting groceries as long as possible. When I do go to a grocery store I usually shop at Walmart. Before I had kids I never willingly went to Walmart, now I am fairly certain someone has put pictures of me up on People of Walmart and if they haven’t yet there will be some coming soon. I shop there mainly because they have three seater shopping carts and a family bathroom. My trips usually go like this:
I arrive and circle the parking lot hoping to find an extra-large shopping cart. If I park next to it I don’t have to cross the parking lot while dragging my two year old by the hand, hauling a baby carrier, yelling at the three year old to keep up, and trying to keep my diaper bag on my shoulder. I unload everyone into a cart and we take off, usually around this time I realize I left my list at home but I’m already here so I’ll just have to try and remember what I wrote down.
Two minutes in Conner has to pee, talking about it makes me have to pee. I rush over to the back of electronics and steer the big blue mommy assault vehicle into the family restroom. SCORE!!! There are two toilets!! One is tiny and one is adult size so I don’t have to wait for Conner to finish before I can go. Conner and I both sit down while Beau sticks the orange nylon pop-up triangle that reads “Caution Wet Floor” on his head and starts running in circles. I’m yelling at him to stop. Conner is laughing hysterically. Beau runs into a wall and falls over backwards, legs kicking out the bottom. I finish in a rush and pull up my pants. Conner takes this moment to start asking loudly “Mom!! Hey Mom!! Where’s your wiener?! Hey Mom, where’s your wiener?!!!” which then turns into “Mom!! Mom!! I can’t button my pants, buttons don’t work for me!!!” We get everyone buttoned, hands washed and back out the door. Baby Tillie is sleeping.
I get the giant blue cart rolling towards the food section of Walmart, people are jumping to get out of the way, smart move on their part because once this thing is going it takes a lot to make it stop. We go aisle to aisle I’m throwing in stuff I remember being on the list and also stuff that just looks delicious. I feel insanely hungry and realize that I meant to eat this morning and forgot. Than Beau starts screaming “Mom, I stuck!!! I stuck! Help!!!” I answer him “You aren’t stuck, I buckled you in so you can’t run away. Stop screaming.” He continues screaming. That’s when I realize he has pinched his little finger into a piece of the seat belt and is in fact stuck. I unstick Beau and get back to shopping.
Now the boys start getting hungry. Beau is trying to gnaw open a bag of cheese sticks while Conner whines over and over again “I’m starving to death, I’m so hungry, why are you torturing me.” I don’t want to be that mom who opens stuff in the grocery store but since I’m already a person of Walmart, what the hell. I pass out snacks and start heading to the checkout line. That is usually when all hell breaks loose. Baby Tillie who slept soundly the whole time wakes up screaming, Conner and Beau are loudly demanding more cheese snacks. The man behind me in line politely compliments me on my three adorable boys. I politely point out my daughters pink tutu, and flowered headband. Beau starts chucking his Buzz Lighyear out of the cart loudly demanding a cuppy. I try to breathe deeply and avoid melting down in front of everyone in Walmart, unload all my stuff, pay, and haul ass to the car.
Before leaving the parking lot they are all asleep so I usually pull over in some shade and scarf fruit snacks until someone wakes up and starts yelling. Yep, that’s pretty much how it goes although sometimes Conner yells different, yet still embarrassing, questions in the bathroom.