Wednesday, January 30, 2013

5 things I was NEVER going to do as a parent

Before I ever had kids I had a whole list of things I was NEVER going to do as a parent. Things I observed other parents doing in grocery lines, parks, and public events. Things I could do SOOOOO much better once I had kids, because obviously I was a parenting expert... NOT! Oh my GAWWDDDD, I know better now, and I'm pretty sure I've violated every rule on the list, I'm even violating a few right now. 

So read my list and be glad you didn't know me before I had kids, I would have been the lady standing behind you in the check out line smiling condescendingly as your kids misbehaved. 

1. My kids will ALWAYS wear clothes that fit and are in style.
I'm just happy if my kids agree to wear clothes, my boys would much rather be cruising Walmart in the buff. I'm not even kidding when I tell you I have had to explain to my boys that not everyone is as impressed with their private parts as they are (they get that from their dad....). Also, WTF is wrong with the makers of children's clothing!!! There are no uniform clothing sizes, I have to have a child with me as a size reference to even be able to buy clothing and shouldn't 24 months and 2T be the SAME FREAKIN' SIZE!!! 

2. My kids will never leave the house without having their hair brushed.
You know, because first thing in the morning somewhere in between forcing the agile nudists into clothing and taking breakfast orders, ("I want TOAST!!!" "What do you want on your toast?" "Scrambled eggs!!") I have time to sit down with a comb and water and neatly put every child's hair in place. Uh no, I don't even have time to put my own hair in place... I barely keep my do "contained'.

3. I'm never going to have one of those hitting kids, or biting kids, or not sharing brats, it's ALL about parenting and I won't tolerate that behavior.
OK, really my kids are pretty good, we don't generally have these issues buuuuttttttt.... I've learned that at some point everyone has THAT kid. The one who bites, hits, or randomly decides he can't share ANYTHING.... ugh, it happens to ALL.OF.US! 
You would think he would have learned by now the meltdowns get him NOTHING but it's still his go to move. 

Following that train of good behavior judgement...

4. My kids will ALWAYS behave in the checkout line... and not just because I'm bribing them.
Ok, last week while I was checking out at Walmart and the cashier was complimenting me on how cute and well behave my kids were, Beau leaned over and bit the holy crap out of Conner's arm. I wanted to die, just melt away into the hideous grey linoleum and flippin' DIE! Beau's not typically a biter but they were playing zombies, and Beau ALWAYS goes full zombie. So..... let's go ahead and scratch that one off the list. Oh, and as far as bribery goes, dumdums, I usually have a couple dumdums in the car just in case shit hits the fan.  Let's be realistic here, if I turned the car around and went home every time there was a meltdown... we would all starve to death because I would NEVER get to go grocery shopping... ya know what I mean.

5. My house is going to be neat and tidy, having kids doesn't mean your house has to be messy.
Yeaaahhhhhh........ I was that chic. I wasn't a neat person before I had kids so I'm not sure how I thought adding four more people into the mess was going to make cleaning easier or more enjoyable. I like to justify the mess by saying, it's just laundry, and toys... I mean if we were REALLY messy we'd be scraping stuff out of the carpet, naming mice, and telling our friends and family to check us out on an episode of Hoarders next week. So maybe.... I AM NEAT and TIDY!!!! Nope, definitely not...


  1. I am trying to recall if I have ever touched a comb to my boys' hair. If I did, it was long, long ago.
    It would be a whole lot easier to have kids who behaved in the checkout line if the stores didn't stock those checkout lines with a plethora of colorful things at a child's eye level!
    And, I'm glad I never ran into you before you had kids. :)

    1. Super markets are the WORST seriously it is just cruel to line the check out aisle with toys! Having kids has totally destroyed all my theories on how to raise children lol!