You know how I've talked about being in school, well I graduate this May. For the last couple years I've scraped and hustled and pulled it together and even though it's an Associate's and not a Bachelor's I'm pretty damn proud. I started out in Dental Hygiene and now have some how ended up in Health IT and I love the field I'm heading into. I had my kids young but they've never held me back, I keep pictures of them in my notebooks and it reminds me why I keep coming back every semester. They make me stronger, they've taught me how to work hard and even though it was harder to do this with them I couldn't have done it without them.
I've spent all this time working towards this goal because even though I love my kids, I don't love being a stay at home mom. I've wrestled with the guilt because I know there are people who would love to be home with their kids and they can't be, so I should be appreciative of the opportunity and I do appreciate it, but I need something more. I've grown up with my kids, and I know more about myself now than I did when I had Conner at 21 or got married when I was 20.
So now I'm looking at the place all that hard work has brought me to. This week I landed a job with a great healthcare company as a Jr Clinical Analyst and I finally have my foot in the door doing what I want to do. After all the years we've struggled and barely survived I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Now it's not a full time position, it's flexible and as needed and kind of perfect for where I am right now in my life. I even have great childcare for the kids, one of my best friends has offered to watch them three days a week so I can chase this experiment.
So why do I feel so guilty? I feel like no matter what I do as a parent I am consumed by guilt. I feel guilty for staying home with them and not doing more, I feel guilty for not staying home with them. I'm so sick and tired of feeling guilty all the time when I've worked so hard for this and I'm doing what makes me happy. So this is me letting go of all this stupid guilt, I'm going to feel proud of my hard work and enjoy the time I spend with my kids. I'm sick and tired of just surviving and it's time to let go and thrive.