Tuesday, April 9, 2013

how to pee like a boy

When Conner finally decided to allow us to house train him it was the best week of my life. Seriously, having one less butt to wipe is like as good as it gets for a mom with small children, well that and nap time. Of course he didn't learn standing up, the only person he was around during the day sits to pee, so he was a three year old sit-and-tucker. This is nice if you're really into clean bathrooms that aren't covered in urine... which I am... however it's pretty inconvenient to have a kid who relies on a potty to be able to pee. Our lives demand flexibility in all things, which means sometimes your potty is a bush, a curb, or an empty parking lot, and come on he's a BOY shouldn't he be psyched to be able to pee ANYWHERE.

Well he was not excited. We went months with Conner demanding a potty every time his bladder was full, and at least 15 minutes into any road trip. I decided that I was going to coach him, I could show him how to pee standing up, I was going to help him see the world in a whole new way... as a urinal. He resisted as long as he could until one day desperation forced a change.

We were driving around with the kids on a house hunt looking for a rental place, everyone was dressed up to go to a family dinner that night and of course it was pouring rain. The boys had fallen asleep in the car so I sent Nic into a leasing office while I waited with the boys outside in the down pour. Suddenly Conner woke up demanding a toilet, doing the peepee dance in his seat. There was no way we could get him inside in time to make it to a potty so I jumped out of the car, stood in the rain and had him come to the edge of the doorway to pee into the parking lot (Just for the record, this is not our "go to" stand up pee scenario, we are very much bush peeing people... like I said before, situation was desperate). I stood in front of him to hide him from anyone who might be watching, spread my arms out, and started cheering...

"Go Conner! Go Conner! You can pee standing up! Pee! Pee!!! Wooooo!"

Yeah, because I cheer for EVERYTHING now, from soccer games to first poops... whatever my kids love it... I think. Anyway it worked, he stepped up and launched a stream of urine high into the sky... higher than I had anticipated... it went up, arched, and as if in slow motion I watched in horror as it came down right into the open collar of my dress SHIRT! He was PEEING down my SHIRT!!! I started windmilling my arms and screaming,

"Conner!! AAAAHHHHH You're PEEEIIINNNNG on ME!!"

In a state of awe, shock, and panic he hastily tried to redirect his stream, and coated the inside of the car door with urine. Thank god, for that tiny bird bladder he has, because he was done quick. I buckled him back into his seat, and as Nic got back to the car Conner joyfully announced his accomplishment and I informed him that I needed a change of clothes.

That was the beginning of long list of things Conner has stood up to pee on, although none of them have been people. So if you're trying to teach your son to pee standing up too, here's my advice:


Kids really like it when you cheer for them and don't stand directly in front of a peeing child they have a shockingly long range.


12 comments:

  1. Haha! That was really funny. The joyous wide arc of pee landing on you then being desperately redirected to worse places...I'm still smiling. (Because I haven't had to toilet train a boy yet...see if I'm still smiling this summer.)

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    1. Potty training sucks! Conner refused and peed all over the house, then one morning he woke up and decided to wear underwear and in less than a week he was good to go. Boys...

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  2. Holy crap! That was freaking hilarious!!! I have a 3 year old who just learned to pee standing up as well. He's getting better, he used to turn his winkie in the direction he decided to look.
    NO.. ANDREW only look at the toilet when you're peeing!
    Thanks for the laugh!

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    1. I was at Babies R Us the other day and they were selling pee targets to throw in the toilet and aim at, like for you to pay money for haha. Oh boys....

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  3. Hahahaha! My boys have never had trouble dropping their drawers and peeing anywhere and everywhere. I do insist that they sit down at home until they are old enough. When they are new to it, I crouch down on their level. Let me just tell you, make sure it's tucked well. I've been peed on myself. I feel ya, sister.
    Happy to say pee is the one thing that has not been spilled all over my van.

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    1. You have your hands full with all those boys! I have this idea that some day I'll make a bathroom that is tiled completely with a drain in the middle so you can spray the whole thing down with a hose. That will be my boy bathroom :)

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  4. Lol, go Connor and go Mama! I have two boys one potty trained and another in progress, both have peed on me, i think its part of being a mom of boys, sounds like you took it very well!

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    1. Haha getting used to being peed on must be a boy mom thing! I swear I was much more polite, refined, and feminine before they came along.

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  5. That is truly funny stuff! My son got so confused that he would sit down to pee and that try to poop standing up! What the???

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  6. I am your newest follower
    http://mommysrambles.blogspot.com/2013/04/today-i-cried.html

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  7. Hilarious. good thing I am alone in my office at work now because I was just laughing so hard I started to cry. We have not yet had Jake try to stand up to pee, so I am glad I got the warning!

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  8. Loved this! And so glad I found a new blog to follow. :) (Found you from the HV linkup.)

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