Wednesday, January 30, 2013

5 things I was NEVER going to do as a parent

Before I ever had kids I had a whole list of things I was NEVER going to do as a parent. Things I observed other parents doing in grocery lines, parks, and public events. Things I could do SOOOOO much better once I had kids, because obviously I was a parenting expert... NOT! Oh my GAWWDDDD, I know better now, and I'm pretty sure I've violated every rule on the list, I'm even violating a few right now. 

So read my list and be glad you didn't know me before I had kids, I would have been the lady standing behind you in the check out line smiling condescendingly as your kids misbehaved. 

1. My kids will ALWAYS wear clothes that fit and are in style.
I'm just happy if my kids agree to wear clothes, my boys would much rather be cruising Walmart in the buff. I'm not even kidding when I tell you I have had to explain to my boys that not everyone is as impressed with their private parts as they are (they get that from their dad....). Also, WTF is wrong with the makers of children's clothing!!! There are no uniform clothing sizes, I have to have a child with me as a size reference to even be able to buy clothing and shouldn't 24 months and 2T be the SAME FREAKIN' SIZE!!! 

2. My kids will never leave the house without having their hair brushed.
You know, because first thing in the morning somewhere in between forcing the agile nudists into clothing and taking breakfast orders, ("I want TOAST!!!" "What do you want on your toast?" "Scrambled eggs!!") I have time to sit down with a comb and water and neatly put every child's hair in place. Uh no, I don't even have time to put my own hair in place... I barely keep my do "contained'.

3. I'm never going to have one of those hitting kids, or biting kids, or not sharing brats, it's ALL about parenting and I won't tolerate that behavior.
OK, really my kids are pretty good, we don't generally have these issues buuuuttttttt.... I've learned that at some point everyone has THAT kid. The one who bites, hits, or randomly decides he can't share ANYTHING.... ugh, it happens to ALL.OF.US! 
You would think he would have learned by now the meltdowns get him NOTHING but it's still his go to move. 

Following that train of good behavior judgement...

4. My kids will ALWAYS behave in the checkout line... and not just because I'm bribing them.
Ok, last week while I was checking out at Walmart and the cashier was complimenting me on how cute and well behave my kids were, Beau leaned over and bit the holy crap out of Conner's arm. I wanted to die, just melt away into the hideous grey linoleum and flippin' DIE! Beau's not typically a biter but they were playing zombies, and Beau ALWAYS goes full zombie. So..... let's go ahead and scratch that one off the list. Oh, and as far as bribery goes, dumdums, I usually have a couple dumdums in the car just in case shit hits the fan.  Let's be realistic here, if I turned the car around and went home every time there was a meltdown... we would all starve to death because I would NEVER get to go grocery shopping... ya know what I mean.

5. My house is going to be neat and tidy, having kids doesn't mean your house has to be messy.
Yeaaahhhhhh........ I was that chic. I wasn't a neat person before I had kids so I'm not sure how I thought adding four more people into the mess was going to make cleaning easier or more enjoyable. I like to justify the mess by saying, it's just laundry, and toys... I mean if we were REALLY messy we'd be scraping stuff out of the carpet, naming mice, and telling our friends and family to check us out on an episode of Hoarders next week. So maybe.... I AM NEAT and TIDY!!!! Nope, definitely not...

Friday, January 18, 2013

Listen to my WORDS!!!!

Watching the kids while they play at the playground hang at pool I've started to notice something.My kids are not great listeners, like straight up hear what you say than do WHATEVER the crap they want. Conner at least can be coerced into better behavior by the promise of candy or the threat of letting his sister lick all his transformers.  Beau on the other hand truly does not care, he wakes up in the morning and says to the world "Is that the worst you can do?!" When life hands Beau lemons he licks them and then gleefully watches as Conner cries, because Conner can't eat a lemon that has been licked by Beau. What can I say... I raised a tiny bad ass who refuses to be duped into obedience.

I'm not alone though, I've been watching all these other moms and their kids don't listen either. The mom who yells in Russian, the mom who yells in Japanese, even the mom who yells in Spanish... all those different languages and we are all ignored equally by our kids.

I did observe something interesting though. Beau, who is usually knowingly misbehaving really seems to respond to the angry yelling of foreign mothers. Apparently there is one thing that scares that kid into getting it together, and that is having someone else's mom yell at him in Russian... or Japanese, or Spanish... whatever. I told him 20 million times to stop throwing wood chips, and when he picked up that 20 million-and-oneth handful, the Russian mom yelled at her son to stop climbing up the slide. Beau looked startled, dropped the chips and slowly backed away towards the jungle gym. 

So here's my new plan, I know a little Spanish (I can order a cheese burger and ask where the bathroom is located)so the next time I'm out with my kids and Beau is ignoring me I'm going to stand up point at him and yell "Un hamburguesa con queso y papas FRITAS, por FAVOOOORRR!!!!!" that should bring him back to reality, if not I'll try this "DONDE esta el BAN-YOOOO!!!" 

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Merry Christmas...?

So, I have four amazing sisters and I love them like crazy! As the oldest I have quite the reputation to uphold, even though I'm the only one with kids I like to think they still consider me hip, cool, and with it. So when my two sisters who live in Wyoming sent us a holiday package, you can only imagine how flattered I was to receive this,

I opened my present and saw this little glass doohickey and thought maybe they had overestimated how cool I really was. I stared at it for a while, turned it over, looked for the little holes where you poke the marijuana in (I went to college, I know what's up, and I damn sure know you poke some stuff in somewhere). There were no holes. 

Sooooo, another idea popped into my head. I ran to the kitchen and stuck it in a wine bottle. Obviously, I'm so cool they got me a drinking accessory. Something orange and fabulous to grace the half finished wine bottles scattered across my kitchen counter tops. Didn't fit though, definitely not a wine bottle cap, that spindly little stick part held things up. 

Than it hit me. 

I ran out on the deck to the flower pots that hold my collection of dead plants and last Halloween's pumpkins (they still aren't rotten, wtf, I feel bad throwing them out when they would make good squirrel food, but of course the squirrels aren't eating them). I stuck that little mushroom into the dirt, and boom, that's where it fits. My pots look a little bit more festive now. Apparently they did not overestimate my coolness, they were basically dead on... potted plant accessories are awesome :)

Wednesday, January 9, 2013


My resolution for this year is to start being nicer to myself. Over the past couple years home with the kids I’ve become a real bitch and although Nic would probably argue he bears the brunt of it, that just isn’t the case. I’m mean, rude, and straight up obnoxious, and if I spoke to my friends the way I speak to myself I wouldn’t have any.  If I listened to that voice all the time I wouldn’t have a blog, I wouldn’t be in school, there are a million things I would have bullied myself out of doing.   

Every time I think of something I want to write, or make, or just succeed at that voice in my head pops up and the first thing she says is, who cares. Who cares about your opinion, who cares about your crappy art, who cares about your life.  Then she moves on to, you suck. You suck at writing, you suck at housekeeping, your attempts at parenting are pathetic.  That bitch could go on for days and never shuts up, and the worst part is that bitch is ME.  

I want what I hear in my head to be positive so what comes out of my mouth will be positive.  When my kids grow up I want that voice in their head to be a cheerleader not a mean girl. As I teach them how to treat others I also want them to learn how to treat themselves, with the same kindness you should show everyone. 

So 2013 is the year of, go Kerri you rock! Instead of talking shit to myself I’m going to start bragging on myself and giving myself credit for everything I do.  I’m trying new things and I really don’t give a crap what anyone else thinks about what I’m doing, because I’m doin’ this for me! Actually it goes beyond this year, this is my life change, because who needs New Years to make a change when you can start over any time. I’m slowly learning that there isn’t a single person who has judged me as harshly as I judged myself, that girl in my head is a liar and I’m not listening anymore.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

save my eyesight, stop the whining

Ok, my kids were uncharacteristically well behaved and hilarious yesterday. I enjoyed their company so much I didn't even force them to take their afternoon "save mommy's sanity" naps. They said a plethora of funny things I documented on my Facebook, and at the end of the day I was pretty happy and relaxed.

Today, though, they took all that pent up crazy and unleashed it in the form of crying, whining, and OH MAH GOURD the bickering. Seriously, I would jump out the window but we're on the first floor and it wouldn't really accomplish anything, plus their fast and I'm old they'd surely catch me. After they ran me down they would proceed to whine and complain about why I was running down the street instead of fixing their cuppies, or resetting the netflix, or refreshing their soggy cocoa puffs.

You know that scene in A Christmas story where Ralphie dreams of becoming blind as a result of soap poisoning? That will be me someday. Slowly made blind by the incessant whining of my offspring. Maybe not  so much the whining that did it but the alcohol consumption that resulted. I'm almost out of wine, let's hope we don't have that stupid non alcoholic mouthwash. Haha, I kid, I'm not running out of wine any time soon...

You know what though? Here's proof that even when they're annoying the CRAP outta me, their still pretty hilarious. This book caused a big fight this morning. Beau claims this is a picture of a "space toot" (seriously who says toot anymore?) Conner believes it is "smoke from the end of the rocket creating a trail through space as it is propelled forward." (nerd) Let me tell you, you do not tell Conner those are space farts because them's fightin' words and he stands ready to protect the dignity of space craft everywhere. Good thing I'm here to put older brothers in time out and stuff offensive literature under the couch until it can be properly appreciated. 

haha. toot. toooot. space toot.