Wednesday, March 27, 2013

looking for a new place

So we've been touring different rental homes in our area looking for our next temporary home. Yesterday we did a walk through on a town home and I feel so bad for the poor mom who was home when I brought my children through her house. Let me give you an idea of what to expect if we showed up at your door for a tour,

On the way to check out the house all the kids feel asleep in the back of the car so we had to wake them up to go in. My kids are the WORST grumps when they've been woken from a car nap, Conner insists that his limbs no longer work, Beau is panicked trying to locate the action figures he fell asleep holding that are now MIA. Panic, confusion, and whining are the norm, but Tillie adds a small element of compliance (she can't walk so what does she have to complain about anyway). Eventually we get everyone out of the car and to the front door, the leasing agent looks a little scared as Conner scowls at her demanding to know if we live here now. She lets us in with a smile and lets us know that the tenent is home (soooo awkward cruising through someone else's place while they're still there but whatever).

The tenant is sitting on the living room couch feeding a tiny baby that looks only a few days old, she has a two year old in a highchair near her. The presence of someone else's small children makes Beau and Conner feel much more at home, and we go on a tour of the upstairs and marvel at the incredible World of Warcraft themed decor in EVERY room. At some point we have lost Beau, we return downstairs and find him in the living room with the mom who is still feeding her baby. Beau is using her leg to steady himself as he strips naked, because we're indoors so obviously it must be naked time. You can imagine the look on the lady's face, trying to feed/shield her child while my son patiently reassures her with some gibberish that probably translated to this,

 "Hi, do you come with the house? I like your baby. Can you help me get my pants off my shoes and is there a specific corner to poop in or this a free range household?"

I rescued the poor woman, clothed my child and we began backing towards the door. The leasing agent continued to go on and on about the amazing perks that come with the house, you know things like a dishwasher and washer/dryer hookups. Conner takes this as a sign to march into the kitchen and look for a snack, because you know since we were there why not demand a sandwich from poor couch lady.  He is put off by the fact that all the food does not come with the house and decides he doesn't want to live here. We scoot on out and let couch mom go back to enjoying her too-young-to-be-poorly-behaved children.

 I hope we find something soon, because touring other people's homes is weird.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Big Girl Panties

It's been one of those weeks, the kind you need a sense of humor to make it through.

 Conner brought us the flu Friday night and it has been a whirlwind week of vomit, diarrhea, and snot. I have cleaned discharge out of the carpet of every room of the apartment. I've caught puke in my hands. I haven't slept. I've been living mostly off girl scout cookies and oatmeal cream pies because I don't have the energy to cook. I smell. I'm really, reeeaaallly glad I got a flu shot last week, I'm also glad we're moving out of this stanky cave soon.

This morning at Target I ran over my own foot with a three seater shopping cart and the only thing holding my toenail together is last weekend's pedicure. I cried a little, because I'm a wimp, and assured the check out lady that no, I was not crying because this is the BAJILLIONTH time she has asked if I want a Red Card (and yes I want one, of course I want one!! I'm forgetful and I don't carry checks and for the love of RICE stop asking me!!)

To top it all off the round brown things I found on the carpet this afternoon weren't cocoa puffs, it was actually someone's POOP (BEAU AARON!!) and I touched it, WITH MY FINGER!!!! There's a small possibility Tillie ate some, I have no way of knowing, because holy crap it could be an infinite number of poopoo puffs that escaped his diaper!! Why are children so disgusting?!!

So it would seem I'm barely hanging on to sanity, but really this is every day, and let's be honest sanity is gone. This isn't so much out of the ordinary as it is just being mom. My morning vitamin is Tylenol because it's good for the aches and pains that have settled into my bones. Before I even get to that vitamin I lay in bed and wish I didn't have to get up, maybe I could sleep for ever. Sometimes I tell myself that I just can't do this anymore, it's too hard, I'm too tired, and this is not getting any easier. Then I suck it up. Because I don't know how to quit, actually I don't even think that's an option. I pull on my big girl panties and face the days that just keep coming because, despite how hard it is now it looks like people actually survive this.

Being a mom is hard. Being a parent is hard (OK it's also hilarious, especially the part about poop). When other parents tell me how many kids they have I mentally finish the sentence with "and lived to tell the tale". Because parenting is about the most bad ass thing you will ever do and survive to talk about.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

new beginnings and fresh starts

You know how I've talked about being in school, well I graduate this May. For the last couple years I've scraped and hustled and pulled it together and even though it's an Associate's and not a Bachelor's I'm pretty damn proud. I started out in Dental Hygiene and now have some how ended up in Health IT and I love the field I'm heading into. I had my kids young but they've never held me back, I keep pictures of them in my notebooks and it reminds me why I keep coming back every semester. They make me stronger, they've taught me how to work hard and even though it was harder to do this with them I couldn't have done it without them.

I've spent all this time working towards this goal because even though I love my kids, I don't love being a stay at home mom. I've wrestled with the guilt because I know there are people who would love to be home with their kids and they can't be, so I should be appreciative of the opportunity and I do appreciate it, but I need something more. I've grown up with my kids, and I know more about myself now than I did when I had Conner at 21 or got married when I was 20.

So now I'm looking at the place all that hard work has brought me to. This week I landed a job with a great healthcare company as a Jr Clinical Analyst and I finally have my foot in the door doing what I want to do. After all the years we've struggled and barely survived I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Now it's not a full time position, it's flexible and as needed and kind of perfect for where I am right now in my life. I even have great childcare for the kids, one of my best friends has offered to watch them three days a week so I can chase this experiment.

So why do I feel so guilty? I feel like no matter what I do as a parent I am consumed by guilt. I feel guilty for staying home with them and not doing more, I feel guilty for not staying home with them. I'm so sick and tired of feeling guilty all the time when I've worked so hard for this and I'm doing what makes me happy. So this is me letting go of all this stupid guilt, I'm going to feel proud of my hard work and enjoy the time I spend with my kids. I'm sick and tired of just surviving and it's time to let go and thrive.