Wednesday, August 21, 2013

the longest 90 minutes of my life

If there’s one thing you probably don’t know about me, it’s this… I will without a doubt always and eventually succumb to peer pressure. Actually there doesn’t even have to be pressure involved, just a casual mention works too. If enough people casually mention something, well damn it I will buy a Groupon and I will try it out. This is how, despite the warnings of my Mother-in-law, I ended up in a hot yoga class last night.

I don’t know if you’ve ever been to hot yoga, or just plain old regular temperature yoga, but let me tell you… it ain’t easy. Since I have a happy trigger finger when it comes to Groupon deals, I’m sitting on a 5 class package and last night I cashed in class number one. I got to the studio early and the instructor walked me through a list of rules, no water until after the 4th posture, if you have an emergency its ok to leave, no cell phones in the studio and so on. Actually this kind of confused me a little, I mean how do you know if there’s an emergency if you don’t have your cell phone?

I went into the yoga studio shook my mat out and looked around at the other yoga people. Of course I was sitting next to the tiniest, bendiest, bikini clad yoga chic ever, the class hadn’t even started and she was already doing back bends down the back wall. Not to be outdone I fell into a pose that is my personal favorite, corpse pose. The heat was intense, like so intense I had a new found respect for Frodo, it must have been damn oppressive up there on Mount Doom.  Then the class started.

It took me about 15 minutes to realize what kind of emergency could make you leave the room, the kind of emergency you don’t get a cell phone call for. Like I’m going to vomit, maybe poop myself, and I’m pretty sure my heart is exploding… holy shit I’m having heat induced hallucinations kind of emergencies. Yeah, it was that hot and that awful. I think the worst part is that there is no clock, you have no sense of time, no understanding of how close you are to the end.  I started thinking about all the things I had taken for granted in my life, like fresh air, refrigeration, breezes… ice cubes. I drank some water, I thought about volcanoes, how horrible it would be if one erupted right now and I never felt cool air again. We did a pose where I tucked my chin up to my knees, and the sushi I had for lunch made a spontaneous appearance in my mouth. I choked back the vomit and kept going.

I worked and worked, and thought about all the people outside the studio, I thought of the future. I thought, holy shit, what if global warming makes the whole planet this hot all the time and every day is like doing hot yoga for the rest of our lives. That was kind of the point I started crying, I was so sweaty I don’t think you could see the tears, but I’m pretty sure everyone could hear me sobbing. Yeah, hot yoga pretzel lady had front row seats to my whole freak show. After crying for 10-15 minutes the class was finally over, the instructor brought us cold wet towels, I cried for a few more minutes, then rolled up my sweat soaked mat and made my way out.

I will tell you this, I am so glad I didn’t buy the 10 class package. I think there is a possibility I will go back, because I’m cheap and the classes are non-transferable. I now I will not be eating sushi for lunch the day of a class ever again.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

on the subject of fossilized nuggets

You know you're a mom when... your car looks more like the back of a trash truck halfway through the neighborhood pickup than the fresh vehicle you purchased years ago. Between work, daycare, soccer, and weekend trips to thrift shops my car has become a catch all for the whole family's crap. I've let the junk build up until I can't possibly go another day without cleaning it out. Lately the car has developed into a health hazard, like if we were in a car accident last months chicken nuggets would probably act as shrapnel and cause serious bodily harm.

So this week I decided to suck it up and clean out the wagon. Actually the final push came when I was leaving work on a hot day. As I slowly rolled up to the stoplight outside work, a can of Dr Pepper tapped the back hatch of my car and exploded. A soft, warm, mist of fizzy soda settled over my head and I realized at that moment I had hit my rock bottom, and it was time to turn things around.

So I went home and pulled out handfuls of trash, toys and fossilized chicken nuggets from the floorboards. I found missing action figures, close to a trillion sippy cups, and good lord did I find a lot of shoes. Once I reached the final level of muck I discovered the blackened remains of a banana and... a smell. A horrible, noxious, unshakable stench. Somehow the layers of toys, clothes, shoes, sippies, and other junk was acting as a filter for the evil smell, and now there is nothing to contain it. The car is clean but any drive spent sitting in that smell leaves you feeling slightly unwashed.

I'm working on a plan to get rid of the smell, it's a fool proof plan, all I need to do is convince Nic to let me buy a new car.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Mom's Wiener

I always had this idea that when I had kids I  might someday in the future get a tattoo for them. I know, I know, me and the rest of the world it seems like. Well, my idea was super original, I was going to save their first picture of an actual person and get that as a tattoo. Maybe one day have a whole little family portrait drawn by my kids one my arm or leg or something. I don’t know, I never really considered placement, it just seemed like a really good idea at the time.

Well, when Conner was three he drew a picture of me for the first time. He actually described everything for me as he drew it, I was thrilled. Now I don’t mean to brag but my kids are AMAZING artists, seriously, I would wallpaper my house with their scribbles if I could. So when he began drawing this picture, my heart melted, my mind exploded and I waited breathlessly as he added each adorable detail.

He began with a large oval, and then he drew my little feet. He came back and added little eyes and a smile, and just to make my heart explode a little more he drew a tiny person inside of me… his baby sister who I was pregnant with at the time. He drew something floating around me, maybe it was a spaceship maybe it was aura given off by my glowing personality. I don’t know, but I know he was my favorite child in the whole universe for a while. Then as he finished up glowing with pride in his own amazing artistic ability he added one final detail… a GIANT WIENER. I guess it never occurred to him there was a reason I sat to pee, or maybe that if I had a wiener longer than my legs he would have noticed by now.

I’ve revised my tattoo idea… I think I’d rather not have a picture of my schlong tattooed on my body for the rest of my life. However, it is NEVER leaving my fridge… EVER..