Monday, September 30, 2013

Work these days...

You haven’t heard from me much in the last few months because I’ve been working the family into a new routine, one where I’m working 40 hours a week. I have to say that a full time job is no joke, I don’t love it or hate it, but I do like not having to stress about bill payments every month.  The ideal situation would be for me to somehow be independently wealthy.  I could be home with the kids and also have employees to deal with them before nap time and any random rough patches during the day… like a tantrum butler. Now that would be living the dream. Anyway, since this is real life, I thought I would tell you about what it’s like to be my coworker.
Just to start out I have to tell you about the curse, I don’t know why but I have this issue where about a week into any new job something colossally stupid happens to me. Not something so crazy I lose my job, but definitely bad enough to make them question hiring me.  This one time my car was booted within my first week of work, making me three hours late to my fourth shift… nothing says “I’m a responsible adult” like getting nabbed for nonpayment of parking tickets. This new gig I’ve got going on isn’t so bad, and I had hoped that the curse was behind me… but two days in this happened,
I was sitting in my cube waiting for my giant cup of coffee to cool, and decided to take a quick sip. I went to hot yoga that morning, so of course I had limp noodle arms and my for a second my wrist crapped out and I dumped the entire cup of coffee straight into my lap. When I say straight now, I want you to know that thing flipped over in front of me and the cup landed upside down on my crotch with so much force coffee blasted down the entirety of my pants. I'm pretty sure coworkers for three cubes round could hear the explosion. With a burst of whispered obscenities I jumped out of my chair, but there really wasn’t much I could do, I was wearing every damn drop.
I waddled over to the cube of a coworker, my corner of the building is pretty cold and I’m pretty sure sitting in wet coffee clothes could cause hypothermia. The nice thing about a grown up job is that I got to take off, change, and come back. Once I made it back to my desk an IM from one of my new team members popped up, she expressed her happiness that I had come back and asked what I thought of the job so far. Surprised that word of my coffee spill had traveled so quickly, I joked about liking the job despite my “drinking problem” and had only had to change my clothes once today.  What I didn’t realize was that this particular coworker was working out of office, so she had no idea I had spilled coffee, she did however now think I was very open and honest about my alcohol problem. We continued to talk, and as we approached the end of the text conversation she awkwardly stated “well, as long as you can still function at work…” to which I replied “as long as I have a few cups in the morning I’m usually good to go”.
Eventually I caught on to the fact that she wasn’t talking about coffeeso the situation was downgraded to a slightly less embarrassing subject… like involuntary arm spasms.  So in brief, if you work with me, expect the unexpected, listen to half of what I say seriously only half. Most importantly if we’re conversing and you can’t understand what the heck I’m talking about… I probably don’t know either, that’s just how I roll.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Let's get a pet...

Me and the kids have been trying to convince Nic to get a pet for a while now. I’ve tried teaching Tillie to sign, “I want a puppy, daddy” with her lip pushed out and her big blue eyes, how can he say no to that! However, all Tillie has been able to sign so far is “eat more” and then she growls the word “puppppayssss”, it’s a little off putting and hasn't earned us a dog. Then the other day on the way to soccer Conner ran some ideas by me for a slightly more exotic family pet… a cheetah.
I guess he had put a lot of thought into it because he opened with an argument about all the good qualities Cheetah’s have,
1. They’re really fast, maybe the fastest animal in the world

2. They’re really good guard cats
Now, I know a good idea when I hear one, so I let him know that I was sold on the whole Cheetah thing as long as he cleaned up the poop. That’s when he remembered the one bad quality a Cheetah has… it might eat us if it got hungry.
So bummer… no cheetah… but wait he knew another animal that might be a good fit, how about a gazelle. They also have lots of good qualities,
1. They’re just as fast as cheetahs
2. You can ride them
3. They eat grass, so it would mow the lawn
I have to say, that was a totally legit list of attributes, I would LOVE a gazelle. I think he could definitely would fill that soft furry animal shaped hole in our family. So I tell Conner I’m down, let’s go to Petsmart and see what they have in the Safari aisle, maybe bring ourselves home an African deer… but wait… he has a better idea.
“Mom!!! If we get a cheetah AND a gazelle, we can have two really cool pets and if the cheetah gets hungry he’ll eat the gazelle instead of us!!”
Well, that’s some logic right there. I guess that could work… except, I explain, I don’t think I can afford to buy a gazelle every week to feed our pet cheetah. Money doesn't grow on trees after all…
“Oh mom, you’re so silly… you can’t BUY a gazelle! They’re WILD animals… you’ll just have to go to Africa every week and pick one up.”
Oh is that all? Well in that case, how about we start naming the lint balls that come out of the dryer… because it looks like it’s as close to a pet as we’re going to get.