Sunday, June 1, 2014

When Shit Hits the Fan: A Tale of Friendship

Well, if you want to know what is new in our house these last couple of weeks I would have to say it is Tillie's potty training routine. Now that she has turned two I can finally see the light at the end of the diaper tunnel, my last baby is almost potty trained! I bought her some Sophia the First undies from Target and ever since then it has been game on, I'm happy to report that she manages not to pee on "Phia" like 75% of the time. The other 25% of her underwear clad days she spends peeing in random locations... and occasionally creating horrifying poop predicaments (tales I will regale you with in a few minutes). For now let me drop a little urine wisdom bomb on y'all,

Sometimes we spend so much time searching for someone else's pee, when all you really had to do from the beginning was slow down and look at your feet... you've been standing in it all along.

I'll just let you absorb that for a minute before I go on.....

Now I will tell you a tale of friendship. I'll start it off with a quick warning, never brag about your child's amazing potty training abilities, I promise you the second you say "My little protege has basically potty trained herself" you have put a curse on your head. You will not know the time or date but poop is coming for you, and that poop will not make it into the toilet, free range feces are headed your way.

This literally just happened to me the other day when we were entertaining guests. Adam and Sarah, two parents we met through soccer a few seasons ago, came over to hang out. Thankfully they're awesome and have two kids of their own so they listened to my potty training braggery and still helped me clean up more than a few messes. Then things took a turn for the awful.

Tillie took herself to the bathroom, alone, and was discovered staring into a toilet full of poop. Without even blinking Sarah helped her wipe up her butt and congratulated her on making it to the potty, I walked in a minute later, almost dying from the horrifying smell. Sarah explained that Tillie must have pooped on her own, and helped Tillie pull up her undies... when suddenly we both noticed poop smeared all over Tillie's legs and falling out of the underoos. Purely out of shock and dismay Sarah and I simultaneously start screaming

"Oh My GAAWWWDDDD, OHHH SHIT!!!!"

Tillie had not made it to the toilet, her pants were actually filled to the brim with steaming fresh poo nuggets, and to top it off she was holding a giant HANDFUL of poop as well.  A handful of poop that in a panicked response to our screaming she began shaking all over the place until the brown glob finally flew out of her hand and landed right next to Sarah's foot. Scrambling like wild animals, and cursing like sailors, together we hoisted Tillie into the bathtub to begin the decontamination process... poo was everywhere, EVERYWHERE I tell you. Poo flinging toddlers are seriously like the worst.

So there you have it, a cautionary tale yet a story of friendship as well. I don't think there's any going back from this, once you've done time in the trenches together, scooping poop, tossing toddlers, and sniffing each other to make sure you're both "clean", long term friendship is kind of inevitable.
Tillie: "Shhhh Beau, Beau. I wuv you, no cry.. ok"