Mom's Wiener

I always had this idea that when I had kids I  might someday in the future get a tattoo for them. I know, I know, me and the rest of the world it seems like. Well, my idea was super original, I was going to save their first picture of an actual person and get that as a tattoo. Maybe one day have a whole little family portrait drawn by my kids one my arm or leg or something. I don’t know, I never really considered placement, it just seemed like a really good idea at the time.

Well, when Conner was three he drew a picture of me for the first time. He actually described everything for me as he drew it, I was thrilled. Now I don’t mean to brag but my kids are AMAZING artists, seriously, I would wallpaper my house with their scribbles if I could. So when he began drawing this picture, my heart melted, my mind exploded and I waited breathlessly as he added each adorable detail.

He began with a large oval, and then he drew my little feet. He came back and added little eyes and a smile, and just to make my heart explode a little more he drew a tiny person inside of me… his baby sister who I was pregnant with at the time. He drew something floating around me, maybe it was a spaceship maybe it was aura given off by my glowing personality. I don’t know, but I know he was my favorite child in the whole universe for a while. Then as he finished up glowing with pride in his own amazing artistic ability he added one final detail… a GIANT WIENER. I guess it never occurred to him there was a reason I sat to pee, or maybe that if I had a wiener longer than my legs he would have noticed by now.

I’ve revised my tattoo idea… I think I’d rather not have a picture of my schlong tattooed on my body for the rest of my life. However, it is NEVER leaving my fridge… EVER..